Lauren Espinoza – Poetry
How to manage a hangover in the Rio Grande Valley (a beginner’s guide):
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Sunglasses: put them on.
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Mrs. G’s – their number is (956) 668-TACO (8226).
Order breakfast tacos, pick up, eat. Go for the barbacoa tacos;
if vegetarian, the potato and egg. Ask for salsa.
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If you live in Edinburg, move to McAllen.
Fucking someone the night before so you don’t have to bear
the 20-minute drive home means a less classy hangover the next day.
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Pelo del perro: go outside to pick a grapefruit off the tree
in your backyard, juice it into a glass. Add whatever tequila
you mistakenly ended your night with, top it off with Topo Chico, drink.
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Do not recycle away that glass bottle of Topo Chico quite yet,
you’ll need those agua mineral bubbles after you’ve finished the Big Gulp
(refer to Step 7).
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For lunch, try the menudo, if you don’t like pancitas floating around
in your soup, go for the pozole. The Mexican-grandmother-Jesus-magic
in the hominy will make you will feel better. Keep your sunglasses on while eating.
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Go to any Stripes, buy a Big Gulp Lemon-Lime Gatorade.
Big Gulps are bigger & cheaper than the 32 oz Gatorades
(the plastic cups are even refillable for next time).
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Go for a swim in a nearby pool (not a canal). It will always
be warm enough for a swim & there will always be a pool nearby.
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Turn on your computer, find an episode of Teen Mom. Know that
however bad you feel, at least a toddler & a camera crew
are not following you around as you sweat off the alcohol
into the humidity of the Valley air, as you think that breathing
will get you drunk again.
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On weekends, Mexicans bar-b-que in the afternoon.
Find someone with a Tia or a Tio having a cookout, show up, if you’re lucky
there will be fajitas, mesquite grilled chicken, homemade rice, H-E-B potato salad,
& a hielera full of Bud Light. You’ll be feeling good enough by now to crack
a beer with a Tio, talk about the Cowboys or the Spurs, & convince a primito
to hustle you some candy from the piñata. And so begins your pregame.
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Repeat.
religion.
i believe i can make you love me with a hotdog & handcuffs.
i believe my spleen is erupting in a volcano of beer & twinkies.
i believe that eyebrows, if left unattended, will reach out & consume wayward children.
glow in the dark dinosaurs are the reason meteorites are so attracted to earth, believe it.
also, glow in the dark dinosaurs exclusively eat vegetarian enchiladas.
i believe the rigid social construction of male/female dichotomy has led to the existence of cell phones.
i believe tanlines.
i believe kittens are smarter than me.
i believe i could be
by your powers combined, i am captain awkward.
i believe that i only exist in the bedroom.
i believe that i only exist in the bathroom.
i believe bocces & sassafras.
post office boxes are storage facilities for mail order brides.
i believe all men in nice suits on sportbikes are lawyers.
i believe escapularios can only be worn as nipple tassels on the coldest of summer nights.
universal belief: white-washed kachina dolls should not wear ethnic garb.
i believe the statue of liberty wears a thong.
i believe zombie jesus eats vegetarian enchiladas.
i believe stilettos should not look like sneakers.
i believe that if i were to die in a tragic accident and my body be mutilated beyond recognition you would know who i am by my voice.
As Us 