A Space for Women of the World
Sunglasses: put them on.
Mrs. G’s – their number is (956) 668-TACO (8226).
Order breakfast tacos, pick up, eat. Go for the barbacoa tacos;
if vegetarian, the potato and egg. Ask for salsa.
If you live in Edinburg, move to McAllen.
Fucking someone the night before so you don’t have to bear
the 20-minute drive home means a less classy hangover the next day.
Pelo del perro: go outside to pick a grapefruit off the tree
in your backyard, juice it into a glass. Add whatever tequila
you mistakenly ended your night with, top it off with Topo Chico, drink.
Do not recycle away that glass bottle of Topo Chico quite yet,
you’ll need those agua mineral bubbles after you’ve finished the Big Gulp
(refer to Step 7).
For lunch, try the menudo, if you don’t like pancitas floating around
in your soup, go for the pozole. The Mexican-grandmother-Jesus-magic
in the hominy will make you will feel better. Keep your sunglasses on while eating.
Go to any Stripes, buy a Big Gulp Lemon-Lime Gatorade.
Big Gulps are bigger & cheaper than the 32 oz Gatorades
(the plastic cups are even refillable for next time).
Go for a swim in a nearby pool (not a canal). It will always
be warm enough for a swim & there will always be a pool nearby.
Turn on your computer, find an episode of Teen Mom. Know that
however bad you feel, at least a toddler & a camera crew
are not following you around as you sweat off the alcohol
into the humidity of the Valley air, as you think that breathing
will get you drunk again.
On weekends, Mexicans bar-b-que in the afternoon.
Find someone with a Tia or a Tio having a cookout, show up, if you’re lucky
there will be fajitas, mesquite grilled chicken, homemade rice, H-E-B potato salad,
& a hielera full of Bud Light. You’ll be feeling good enough by now to crack
a beer with a Tio, talk about the Cowboys or the Spurs, & convince a primito
to hustle you some candy from the piñata. And so begins your pregame.
i believe i can make you love me with a hotdog & handcuffs.
i believe my spleen is erupting in a volcano of beer & twinkies.
i believe that eyebrows, if left unattended, will reach out & consume wayward children.
glow in the dark dinosaurs are the reason meteorites are so attracted to earth, believe it.
also, glow in the dark dinosaurs exclusively eat vegetarian enchiladas.
i believe the rigid social construction of male/female dichotomy has led to the existence of cell phones.
i believe tanlines.
i believe kittens are smarter than me.
i believe i could be
by your powers combined, i am captain awkward.
i believe that i only exist in the bedroom.
i believe that i only exist in the bathroom.
i believe bocces & sassafras.
post office boxes are storage facilities for mail order brides.
i believe all men in nice suits on sportbikes are lawyers.
i believe escapularios can only be worn as nipple tassels on the coldest of summer nights.
universal belief: white-washed kachina dolls should not wear ethnic garb.
i believe the statue of liberty wears a thong.
i believe zombie jesus eats vegetarian enchiladas.
i believe stilettos should not look like sneakers.
i believe that if i were to die in a tragic accident and my body be mutilated beyond recognition you would know who i am by my voice.